Well, tonight is the night.
I've always thought about what it would be like. Wondered how nervous I'd be. Thought about how the situation would play out.
But, as I've learned with every step in this beautiful process called adoption, nothing is ever as I thought it would be.
This meeting..... not how/when I thought it would be. Not where I thought it would be. Not under these circumstances. Not this soon. Not wearing a ball cap and a hoodie because I don't have time to do anything else (well, I could technically stop writing and go do that but this is therapy for me at the moment. And, more importantly, I don't have to make the dreaded "what will I wear to the "my daughter is meeting her biological family" decision.--yeh, you know the one?!)
And, I'm not feeling the way I always imagined I'd be feeling.
To be honest, I've not allowed myself to think about this moment much at all. I think I've been too afraid to "go there." Now that we are merely hours away, the emotions I am feeling are so near the service that they threaten to spill over at any moment. I've tried hard today to stuff them. (You'd be proud of me, though. I've been super discipled in the chocolate department today. Not typical. :)
It's always driven me INSANE when people ask about my girls "REAL MOM." "Um, hello. I know that I own a ton of goofy costumes and love to play jokes but does this LOOK like a mom costume?" Nope. I'm the real mom. Even as I type those words I am trying to convince myself. Convince myself because I'm wondering what it means to be the "real" anything.
There is another woman who claims the title of "real mom" in the life of my daughter. I'm not so good at sharing that sort of thing and guess what? It stinks.
So, in T-Minus 4 hours and 9 minutes I believe that my Savior who has called me to be real in all sorts of ways is going to take me by the hand and walk with me into this meeting. He will show me what it means to be real.
Really loving. I want to love just like Jesus. I have always wanted my daughters to know how deeply I love the women who gave them life. Tonight I have the opportunity to demonstrate that in a very real way.
Really compassionate. Being compassionate means that we really try to understand what someone else might be walking through. Though I will never understand what it feels like to be in either my daughters or her biological mother's shoes, I pray that I show real compassion for them and their needs.
Really selfless. Because as much as I've been thinking this is about me, it's not. It's about the beautiful tapestry that God began weaving together in June of 2000 as we prayed for the birth mother of the baby we were seeking to adopt.
The cry of my heart tonight is that Jesus gets the glory from this entire deal. I pray that He is seen in me as I try to be the "real mom."
If you think about it, say a prayer that I don't stop and snarf four pounds of McDonald's fries on the way. Or that I would just simply be stunning in my hoodie and ball cap as we move into the next chapter of this journey called adoption.
Most of all, pray for the awesome daughter I call "mine." I pray that she knows she is deeply loved by many.
Thanks for listening as I've processed. Thanks for allowing me to be "REAL." Here's to the next part of the journey!